I Am So Sorry For What I Did, And I Screenshot This Somber Note I Wrote In My iPhone Notes App To Prove It

Dear friends, family, loved ones, fans, and (most importantly) anybody who could be in the position to give me money in the future,

I am so sorry for that thing I did. It was really terrible, wasn’t it? I didn’t think it was so bad at first, but then I became aware of the negative attention it was bringing to me. After skimming some mean articles I received in my inbox from the Google alert I set up for my own name, I have seen the error of my ways. Most of all, I’m just sorry that I’ve let you all down — not quite as far down as my social blade has fallen, but still.

I don’t want to make any excuses, but I also want you to know that this is in no way my fault and I have mentally decided that I am absolutely not responsible for the thing that I alone did. With that in mind, I think it’s time I address the person I feel most sorry for: Myself. Though I refuse to do the same to the people I’ve harmed, I beg you to practice some empathy for me. Please take a moment to consider how terrible doing that awful thing must have felt for me, the person who did it.

To show you how sorry I am, I had my manager dictate word-for-word what to write here. No, I didn’t choose to convey this apology in a carefully written letter converted to PDF, a handwritten note, or a choreographed dance routine. Before you ask, I absolutely will not take this opportunity to create a personal video wherein I look you in the eyes, show genuine remorse, and sincerely apologize. Those options just don’t feel right. Instead, I decided to bring us here: the place where grocery lists, dream journals, and cat name ideas live. The iPhone notes app. This medium just seemed like the best option for you — the people I care about — and was absolutely not chosen simply out of convenience for me.

At the end of the day, I care about you all. In fact, I’m so busy caring about you that I will not spell check this apology note despite the fact that the typos are literally underlined in red. I also won’t wait until the grey blinking cursor has disappeared to take a screenshot. I guess that’s just the burden I have to bear for caring so much and being so sorry. I would totally write more about how sorry I am and the steps I’m taking to ensure that I never have to be this sorry again, but I need to make sure this note fits in a Twitter thumbnail and I’m reaching the word limit window.

Thank you for reading this far. Please check out my website to buy this apology printed on a hat, sweatshirt, T-shirt, tote bag, scrunchie, and scented condom. All proceeds go to my apology fund, which aims to raise money for individuals who deal with facial disfigurement. Our first project will be getting me botox to remove the terrible wrinkles I’ve gotten from frowning because of how sorry I am. In the meantime, I will be taking some time away to think about what I have done at a thermal bath and spa in Switzerland.